TRAMLINES

When I left home in '85, my mama said to me
Whenever you go out now, son, make sure you're dressed nicely
So I always iron my collar and cuffs at least a million times
But when I get to my trouser legs, this is what I find - (I'm doing)

Oh, those TRAMLINES - my trousers never, ever seem to fit
Oh those tramlines - oh lord won't you help me, I need someone to tell me
How I can get the *$%^**** hang of it! (boos from audience)

Now at the age of 45 I went on my first date
Mum rang up and said to me "Make sure you're not late, son"
"And have you ironed your trousers, dear? and have you tucked your tie in?"
"Oh yes mom I've done all of those" (but really I was lying)

Because as usual I had ironed my slacks with a double crease again
If I worked in a dry cleaners I'd get zero out of ten
She took one look at my trousers and fell laughing in a heap, saying...

Oh, those TRAMLINES - looks like you've been kneeling on railroad tracks
Oh, those tramlines, if I was you I wouldn't wait around
I'd take the first bus into town, and get myself a decent pair of slacks

Now the moral of this story is quite clear for all to see
All press your trousers right, above and below the knee
Cos what happened to me was a lesson for all those guys who theink they're cool
If thhose trousers ain't done properly you'll be looking like a fool
Your gal will date another boy (probably from your same school)
She'll take a backward glance at you and this is what she'll do...
She will go... (laughing and sniggering)
Chorus to outro